You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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