Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Randomize
