If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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