she woke up with a sticky ear
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
