its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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