just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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