I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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