just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I bet he comes in French.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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