he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
