even my farts smell like vagina
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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