is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
