imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
