I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
