I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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