I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
