Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
