If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
