Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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