fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
