sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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