yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
