just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
