We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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