i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize