Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
