My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
