I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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