There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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