I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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