You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
