dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
