I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
