not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
