He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
