he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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