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My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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