Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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