Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's never too late to be topless.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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