I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
