At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
