he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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