The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
