I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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