Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
