Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
