Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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