the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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