Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could make wine with my vomit
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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