im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
