My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was born a porn star she said
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
