Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
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We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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