You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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