whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
