I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
