Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
