how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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