i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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