Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
