the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
